I always thought things were changing. I've come to realize that it's all the same stories in my life. Over and over.
Almost as if stuck in repeat although, now it's not things are changing. It's always the same situation, just in a different form.
Except now I've changed. I don't want the bullshit anymore. I just want some sort of normality in my life where things are just well normal.

I GIVE UP.

First of all chick. BREATHE. RELAX.

Everything will be okay. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you that at the end of all the bullshit, lies, heartbreak. pain and deception. Things will be okay, at least bearable. Life is an endless whirl of good, bad and just plain fucking ugly. But you always get through. You always make it out to the other side to see the light again, if even for a while.

When you think about it. Even when we think back to the people we thought we hated at the time, we remember all the times they made us smile and it covers up the times they gave us pain. Because in life and love, getting hurt is inevitable. But that's the risk we take with love, and it's the hardship we endure in return for life. Right now, like every other time you get hurt, it may seem like the end of the world. I promise you now though babe, it's not.

I don't know quite what i'm rambling on about. I guess I just had a moment. haha. But trust me on this though. I've been thinking heaps lately and I've realized that although life is shit sometimes, we always make it through. and although we may not realize it at the time we always learn a new lesson. and in the end we are stronger, wiser and better for it. Even if sometimes we have to make the same mistake a few times over to make it clear to ourselves, that the reality is, it's just not worth it.

So think about it huh. Next time you get a gut feeling something is wrong. Chances are you're right. Live for today. Be happy and smile because geeez you bloody well deserve to.

LOVE YOU & SHIT XD

A life so exausted, so consumed by pain.
Like the feeling of each and every drop of rain.
Look in the mirror, do you know who's looking back?
Everyday seems to turn from a light grey to black.
The struggle, the strength, the will to survive,
The hope and the faith that keep you alive.
Reoccuring dreams, memories, the things that left you torn.
Body shutting down so battered and worn.
Your soul left defeated, your heart in shreds,
Running through your mind, all you left unsaid.
The loss of tears you can't replace,
Lost within yourself gone without a trace.

Saying Goodbye is not an easy thing. This is harder than I think you realize. I'm not coming back for you. When I leave I'm leaving everyone behind and if I do come back it won't be to see you guys, no offense. It's just time to let go of what was. & take a firm grasp on what is & could be. My life is a story that needs a new chapter. I can't keep continuing on the path I am on now, the same chapter replaying over and over again. It's just time to move on from you and them and what was. I'm sorry

I'm not running. I've never run away from anything. I've faced everything I need to here. Now I want a new start, to find myself and I believe the best place to do that is in Adelaide. I won't be gone forever. I will be back when the time is right. Melbourne will always be my home despite how hard it gets to live here sometimes.

You think I do not care. You don't understand why I'm leaving. You never will.
I'm leaving all the confusion and hurt behind, i'm not coming back.

Good luck. I will miss you. But I'm cutting the bullshit.

You think i'm running. Maybe I am. I keep getting back up and giving my everything only to lose it all.
Like it wasn't even worth trying so hard because in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I thought that I was going to win this time, that i would be happy..
But I lost the job I worked so hard to keep.
I lost the perfect girl because she doesn't love me.
& I'm back in the same situation I'm always in, with nothing, completely empty inside.
Like i just want to fall down and never get up again. Just put a gun to my head and get it over with.
No more pain, lies, heartbreak or deception. because no one could touch me if I wasn't here,

Love you Michy.

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence
And leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage
For what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I cant destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savour every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
When you refused to fight

So save your breath I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
My hope was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I wont listen to your shame
You ran away you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know

If you still care, don't ever let me know

I can't help but reply you, I have no idea why that is. Maybe it's because I could take you out of my life..
But I could never live my life pretending you were never in it.
I didn't choose her over you, it was never like that at all. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where I belonged..
It seemed if it was not her who loved me, then who would? Where would I go? Who would care what happened to me?
It killed me to go back to her like I did, over and over again. I can not justify that enough. Or even at all.
Even though it almost killed me to stay there with her, I felt needed, like someone really needed me, I belonged for once in my life even if it was for the wrong reasons.

But does this matter so much now? Are you condoning your actions with my mistakes? Like some kind of cruel revenge?


I am secretly broken by the fact that you're happy, but only because I am not that reason you are. You are not smiling because .. I don't know.


WML.

You'll never know the feelings I keep deep inside my heart,
I have to forget you, what once was, it's scraping, ripping, bleeding.. It's tearing me apart.
You think I'm strong, you think I've got it all together,
But you don't know the pain of continuing with this "life"
I don't want to continue to fight, the cracks are showing, they've never been so clear,
I made a mistake, watching as the blood slowly dripped, wishing there was no fear.
Fear of leaving everyone behind.
Fear of your reactions. Your opinions.
But I fear that everyday. I fear that as I try to drown it all out.
As I wipe my tear stricken face.
I wore that jumper, because it reminded me of you. It made me feel closer, for you were so far from my reach.
I won't forget you, I'll just let you think I have forgotten.
I can't stand to be your "secret friend" I don't want to be hidden like something you're ashamed to be near, to know.

I wish I could call you,
I wish I could tell you how much I truly need you.
Would it make a difference?
Would you come save me from myself?
Or would you just ignore my screaming cries for help..
I wish that you knew how much losing you killed me,
I wish you knew how much I think about you, miss you.
Do you still think about me like the days i think about you?
Or have I become a distant memory to you? just something that once was.
I wish I could take your pain away, the confusion and frustration too.
But in the end I guess that I'm saying.. All I want is you.

I slipped last night, all of the strength I thought I had, all of the faith, went right out the window.
Why did you let me trust you? I want you to turn away and go.
You gave me my faith, you made me believe & trust in what you say,
You looked me in the eyes and said..
You can lean on me baby, I promise we'll be okay.
Only to tell me something that threw all that away.
We sat there in silence as I cried and cried and cried
Inside my heart, last night i truly died.
I was trying to be strong, and stand tall for you,
But you took my strength away, it was a mistake to rely on you,
Didn't you ever think that I was resisting that too?
I've never claimed to be strong, you just assumed that like you do.
Everything you said to me was all based upon a lie,
For really in your mind you were thinking you want to die.
I want to say that I will be here and that I'll always stay,
But i don't know if that's true now, and no I'm not okay.
Maybe if you stop this, I'll come back to you one day,
Or maybe you'll realize when I'm gone and it's too late.

You'll figure it out, you always do. Life will always get hectic once in awhile, but it's these times when you need to stand tall and suck it up. Think more of what you do have rather than what you don't.

Spend as much time with your Grandma as possible and say all the things you've always left unsaid, because you may not get another chance. Don't think so much about her not being around anymore, think about the moments you did get to spend with her, the memories and treasure them deep inside your heart. It will be the hardest thing you do to let her go, I've done it three times now, but just think at least her pain will cease and she will finally be at peace. Be greatful for your time with her not resentful because she's gone.

Your friends are not gone, they're just merely unnoticed by you because of all your stress, but don't worry they'll be there to support you when you need them, as you are always there for them.

You will get on top of everything in time babe, just relax, stress less and take everything as it comes. Just remember if you ever need anything I'm here, always have been.

You have never made me angry, the anger within me is directed at myself, the mistakes I've made..

I can't give you a reason of what, where and why I need to do this,
I just know that letting go of all the people who don't want me in their lives completely,
will make things easier. It is not your fault, but I can't continue to be your secret friend.
If you came to my door, I would never let you down.
If you needed me, I'd be there in a second.
I am not really gone, for i'll always be out there somewhere. Wether it be here or somewhere else.

Just know that you can trust me when I say, I love you & I'll always be here when your down.


To be continued.